A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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