Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
