my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
