There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
