i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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