you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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