You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
