Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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