just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
