have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
