and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
