you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
