Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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