Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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