I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
