he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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