He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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