Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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