Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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