they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
