Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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