god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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