Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize