I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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