I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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