Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
