I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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