True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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