While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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