my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
