i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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