I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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