The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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