just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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