Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can I color on your dick again?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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