fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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