Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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