Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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