I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize