I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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