You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
