12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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