R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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