I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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