The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We got so high we made milksteak
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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