literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
