I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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