last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
