She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
