u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
