Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just high enough for therapy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
