I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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