I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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