Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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