I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
