i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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