Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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