The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
two words...techno handjob
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
