Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize