if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
