my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
