Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
