just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
