Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize