what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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