put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
